[UP 009] - approach v avoid, eating for sleep, three levels of knowing

Hello old friend.

Hope you’ve had a great week. It’s UP. Edition 9.

Here’s a peak at this week’s edition:

Play - 😰 Approach v Avoid - Why our perspective towards our work makes all the difference when it comes to actually getting things done and over the line.

Power - 🧀 Eating for Sleep - Why extending the time we give ourselves to eat before bed can help us get a better quality night’s shut-eye.

Presence - 🤐 Three Levels of Knowing - Why thinking through this framework allows us to place our relationships and help us avoid death by small talk.

Ready? Let’s drive!

Play - Approach v avoid

If you're a football person you’ve just seen two of the biggest chokes in the game’s history.

1 - Arsenal (my team) led the premier league season 93% of the time and lost.
2 - Borussia Dortmund had to win their last game of the season to win... and lost.

This has had me thinking in recent days.

Why are we able to do an activity with absolute ease on one occasion. Yet on another, fall on our face completely?

Turns out there’s some bad ‘orientation’ at play.

And the ‘Goal Orientation Theory’ can maybe help explain it.

This is a theory that generally states that an individual can be said to be mastery or performance-oriented, based on whether their goal is to develop their ability (mastery) or to demonstrate it (performance).

This further breaks down into whether they are intrinsically or extrinsically motivated. Are we driven from within or by others?

There are no ‘wrong’ motivations for doing our work.

Some of us naturally are driven by ‘being better’ and developing our craft. Some of us much just prefer the end results and external accolades of being ‘that guy’.

What matters is that you have something that drives you and you can deliver.

What is interesting to me though is the left vertical axis. The approach vs avoid.

This is where we are either playing to win by actively approaching challenges. Or conversely, we are playing not to lose and are avoiding challenges.

Avoiding can have a place in life some may argue.

But it’s not a great strategy when it comes to our work. Approaching is the way.

Going back to our two football teams for a moment we can clearly see that.

We see how they moved in the first half of their seasons from the ‘approach’ square. To moving to the ‘avoid’ square when the pressure was on and the goal in sight.

They went from perfecting their patterns and flexing their superiority in the winter.

To avoiding making mistakes and not looking stupid in the spring. They let it slip.

The lesson for us? Treat each moment with an approach orientation.

Whether you’re in a performance environment like the football teams are, or you’re in a mastery environment where you can learn and develop. Approach all the same.

This means being proactive and playing to win. Not to lose.

Strive for mastery always and don’t look at what others are doing. Don’t let in the noise.

Hoping we see Arsenal finish the job next season (sigh!)

Right, now how many hours are you leaving before bed?

Power - Eating for sleep

I started down a new rabbit hole this week. It turns out that fasting before bed might actually improve the quality of your sleep.

(Now I’m not talking about prolonged fasting over multi days. I covered the muscle losing side effects of that last week. Here I’m talking about intermittent fasting of the time-restricted kind!)

When you go to bed with an empty stomach, your internal clocks in the digestive system align with your brain's clock, which helps all your systems agree to shut down for sleep. So, if you eat dinner early and avoid snacks before bed (easier said than done I know), it can lead to better sleep.

I was inspired to go exploring down this avenue by one eye-catching entrepreneur, Bryan Johnson.

He’s a former tech CEO turned longevity living guinea pig, who is sharing his secrets to slowing down aging in his rather ‘out there’ health protocol he’s called ‘Blueprint’.

(By doing so, he’s apparently shaved off 5 years of his biological age 😳. Wild. Well worth exploring, even if his lifestyle seems extreme.)

Anyway, back to fasting for better sleep.

If you're trying to extend your fasting window, it might take some time for your body to adjust. But after about 3 to 7 days, things should stabilize, and you should start enjoying the benefits of some time-restricted fasting on your sleep.

The benefits of fasting? It can cause insulin levels to drop and melatonin levels to rise. Why does this matter? Melatonin is the hormone that promotes sleep, so this can help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer.

And one more thing. Fasting also triggers the release of human growth hormone, which is important for your body's repairs during sleep.

But if you're unsure about doing serious time-restricted fasting. What else can you do? The best thing you do is to start by paying attention to your dinner time and try to finish eating at least 3 hours before bedtime.

And if you want to dive deeper, you can experiment with different fasting protocols and track your sleep patterns using hardware and apps like Oura. My personal go-to.

So, give it a try and join me in pushing back the eating window before bed. If you want to make sleep a priority that is.

Sweet dreams!

Ok home stretch now, let’s learn how not to talk to people.

Presence - Three levels of knowing

When it comes to talking to people, ‘how’ questions are the enemy.

• “How are you?”

• “How are the kids?”

• “How are you feeling?”

• “How was your day?”

(Yes I can feel your eyes getting heavier!)

These are questions we ask without really thinking about where they lead to. Often that’s nowhere.

These questions feel like we’re communicating but in reality, we’re not creating any connection. We’re not getting to know people with these surface-level questions.

Psychology Professor Dan McAdams believes there are “three levels of knowing” when it comes to our relationships. He suggests that there are three stages people go through to become close friends, lovers, or companions.

Level 1: General Traits - At this level, you know someone’s general personality traits. Specifically, how high and low they are on the HEXACO spectrum.

Level 2: Personal Concerns - This is where you get to know ‘under the hood’ of someone. You get to know a person’s goals, values, and desires. As well as the attitudes that influence their decisions, ultimately shaping their life.

Level 3: Self-Narrative - Finally, when you truly know someone, you know the stories they tell themselves, about themselves. This is how they have and continue to make sense of their journey and purpose through life.

So then the question is: How do we move through these three levels?

Level 1 is easy. These are just the typical conversations we have day to day beyond 'how’ questions of course!

Level 2 happens naturally as you spend more time with someone and have shared experiences. This could be work, travel, or living together.

But Level 3 only happens intentionally. With the right questions. In a safe space.

And what questions?

Well, this leads nicely to the 36 questions for increasing closeness. It’s even backed by science to work. Have a read and try them with someone.

Ok, that’s it for this week. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you on the next one.

Have a great week.

Always Forward,
Utkarsh

P.S. Have you voted yet? If not, let me know how to make it even better.

Appreciate your input! Here’s a little fun video as a thank-you for your vote.

It’s an example of the 36 questions in action here. Kinda sweet not gonna lie.

See you Saturday!