[UP 023] - The higher the ego, the lower this is

Another week, another dive into the depths of understanding ourselves a bit better across health, wealth, and relationships.

Welcome back to UP. Edition #023.

Hope your week's been a great one. Here's what's on the menu for this week:

🎭 The Ego-Esteem See-Saw: We’ll look at the delicate dance between our ego and self-esteem. We’ll discover why a high ego might not be the badge of honour we think it is.

🍇 Calorie Clarity: Ever wondered why you can munch on grapes but a handful of raisins feels like a meal? We'll unpack the magic of calorie density and how it impacts our satiety.

🎩 Con-Man Countering: The art of deception is as old as time. We'll explore the seductive dance of the con-man and how to guard ourselves against their allure with this two-punch combo.

Ain’t nothin to it but to do it, so shall we?

The Ego-Esteem See-Saw

So this week I’ve been diving into the (brilliant!) book 'Mindreader' by David J. Lieberman after finishing ‘Talking to Strangers’ the week before and there's was one concept that really stood out to me: The inverse relationship between self-esteem and ego.

Essentially, when we’re operating in full force from out of ego, our self-esteem is often down in the dumpster.

But the opposite effect is true when we have a healthy grasp on our ego.

Healthy self-esteem allows us to gracefully accept criticism, praise, apologies, and to be able to give them in return.

We can listen to differing points of view, see things in shades of grey, embrace rejection, and not take the Starbucks server’s murdering of our name all in our stride

When our self-esteem is low, however, our ego steps in and is on high alert.

It takes all of the aforementioned things and flips them on it’s head.

It takes everything deeply personally.

Everything is an attack of our very being.

The ego then acts like a protective shield, trying to keep everything out that it deems a threat. Even the trivial.

Why?

It's our brain's way of reclaiming a sense of control we feel we've lost.

The person with high self-esteem, on the other hand, has a grounded understanding of what they can control (spoiler: it's mostly just our thoughts and actions) and thus, finds peace in their place in the world.

So, the big question: how do we build our self-esteem?

Well, a simple mantra I stumbled upon recently is pretty hard to beat.

It comes from psychologist Orion Taraban of the PsychHacks YouTube channel (Go check it out!)

He says simply…

At first, it seems too simplistic, but the more I've practiced it across different domains, the more profound I realize it actually is.

When we accomplish something challenging and then shout about it, say, on social media, we're basically outsourcing our self-worth.

If our achievement gets only a few likes including your Mum and sister, does it diminish its value?

It shouldn't.

The problem is, it often does.

We start to then value external validation over our internal compass.

We’re drawn to things that get a positive reaction from the crowd and start deprioritizing the things we intrinsically value.

It's a slippery slope.

So, the remedy?

Do the thing. Then STFU (as I like to say to myself).

Remember, reactions and opinions from others often say more about them than about us.

(“What Bobby thinks of Charlie says more about Bobby than it does of Charlie.”)

Everyone operates from their emotional comfort zone, and reactions are typically just a mirror of their worldview.

In essence, distance yourself from the weight of others' opinions.

Pursue challenges that resonate with you.

Build your self-esteem around the very act of pursuing.

Get a little better over time than before you started.

And in doing so, earn your self-respect and build your self-esteem.

When we follow that path we end up cultivating an ego that's flexible and healthy, and one that can dance through both triumphs and trials with grace.

So start planning on taking that ‘someday’ challenging thing around your business or work or even health, and start bringing it into reality.

Hope you’ve got something in mind. I know I do.

Just keep it to yourself. Now get started.

Now while you’re plotting, let’s take a little trip back to last week’s topic of feeling full, but in a bit more detail.

Calorie Clarity

Riddle me this - Why can we munch through a handful of raisins in no time, but struggle to eat the same weight in grapes?

The secret lies in caloric density.

Caloric density is the number of calories in a specific weight of food.

Foods with high water content, like grapes, tend to have a lower calorie density. This means you can eat more of them for fewer calories, and the water content helps you feel full faster. Ideal.

On the flip side, dried foods like raisins pack more calories into a smaller space, making it easy to consume more calories than you might expect. Sneaky.

This week, I've been diving into Noom, a health platform that's caught my attention for it’s scientific approach to behaviour change around nutrition.

They've devised a colour-coded food system to help users make more conscious food choices:

1. Green Foods: These are the least calorie-dense and contain the highest amount of nutrients.

2. Yellow Foods: These are more calorie-dense than green foods but less nutrient-dense.

3. Red Foods: These are the most calorie-dense and are typically lower in nutrients.

The idea isn't to restrict, but to guide.

Ideally, the ratio on your plate of these foods according to team Noom are;

• Green Foods: About 30% of your daily calories

• Yellow Foods: About 45% of your daily calories

• Red Foods: About 25% of your daily calories

By prioritising green foods first and being selective of the yellows and reds, you can create a balanced plate that satisfies both your nutritional needs and your taste buds.

Think of it using the rider and the elephant metaphor.

The rider (our logical self) needs to guide the elephant (our emotional desires), but every so often, the elephant needs a treat. Together we make our way towards a shared path (sustainable health).

It's about balance.

Being too restrictive can lead to backlash, but free rein can lead to overindulgence.

Noom's approach seems to strike a balance between the two, allowing for conscious indulgence without the guilt.

I'm still in the early stages with Noom, but so far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

Now let’s round-up with a little 1-2 self-defence against potential people disasters.

Con-Man Countering

Diving deeper into 'Mindreader' (which, by the way, has made its way into my top 10 reads of the year), I've been reflecting on the intricate dance of the con-man.

Their playbook is eerily consistent:

• Find common ground

• Flaunt an impressive background

• Look and sound the part

• Infiltrate esteemed social circles

• Showcase initial results that dazzle

Over time, they chip away at our defences and doubts, seducing us into a trance where we're ready to dance to their tune.

The description eerily fits Sam Bankman-Fried, but it could just as easily be Bernie Madoff.

The crux?

Even when armed with this knowledge, as I mentioned last week, we tend to 'default to truth'.

But the solution isn't to swing to the other extreme and 'default to lies'. (Remember disgraced officer Brian Encinia?)

For those like me, who wear trust on their sleeves and value speed, the lesson is paramount:

With new people, you need to go slow to go fast.

This is especially true when navigating new terrains, be it a new job, a budding relationship, or a potential investment.

The best strategy?

Distance yourself emotionally before making a decision.

1. Implement a 24-hour rule

It's all too easy to become the 'motivated buyer', where we're so desperate for change that we wear blinders, ignoring glaring red flags and march ahead starting a new chapter with people we ought to have easily avoided.

I've been there, digging deeper into a bad choice, thinking I was arming myself with information, when in reality, I was just reinforcing my biases.

But after implementing a 24-hour rule, we can still be in buyer’s heat, not judging people objectively. So we need a backup plan. Actually it could be plan A.

2. Have a trusted neutral counsel

Consult neutral parties who have your best interests at heart but lack the biases. These are individuals who can provide a clear-eyed perspective, helping us discern when our emotions are hijacking our logic.

It’s best if they don’t have skin in the game other than just needing to tell you the truth. If they’re family or friends, they definitely will have your best interests. But their bias may get in the way.

So who could be a trusted but neutral counsel?

One option could just to look at the next layer of your friends and family. Who are their friends? Not my preferred choice.

The more professional approach would be to consult. Speak to professionals within the space of your decision. If it’s a big one then for sure this is the only choice.

So, I pose the question: who's in your corner, ready to give you the ugly truth when you most need it?

Because if we don’t hear it, we may just fall a little too easy into a life-altering path. And not one for the better.

***

That’s a wrap for this week. A big thanks as always for reading this far, truly appreciate your attention.

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I’m off to ‘sleep on it’ for another 24.

See you next week.

Always Forward,
Utkarsh