[UP 024] - From Bullied to Billionaire: Is there power in past pain?

Hello old friend.

Welcome back to UP. Edition #024.

I hope your week has been filled with insights and growth. Here's what we're diving into this week:

🚀 Driven by Darkness: We'll delve into the intriguing correlation between childhood trauma and outsized ambition. From Musk to Jobs, is adversity a necessary fuel for success?

🍽 The Four Eating Styles: Ever caught yourself mindlessly munching or emotionally eating? We'll break down Noom's four eating styles and discover the sweet spot of 'fun fuel'.

🗣 Language of Connection: The words we choose can reveal the depth of our bonds. We'll decode the subtle language patterns that hint at closeness or distance in our relationships.

Ready? Well, let's drive then.

Driven By Darkness

This week, I've been pondering a rather intriguing idea: Can childhood trauma actually be the secret sauce behind the extreme drive we see in some of the world's most successful people?

Take Elon Musk for instance.

His childhood was marred by bullying and a strained relationship with his father.

In fact, Walter Isaacson told a story I heard him share on a recent podcast about how his father actually berated him for getting physically beaten up by bullies. Unreal.

Steve Jobs, raised by adoptive parents, had his own set of challenges both with his biological family and finding his way in the world, not particularly excelling at anything before Apple began to get traction.

And then there's Jeff Bezos, brought up by a teenage mother and stepdad and being so estranged from his biological father that Bezos’ father didn’t know Jeff the Amazon billionaire was his son.

Each of these giants faced early adversities that could have broken them.

Instead, they channeled that energy into creating iconic empires.

The truth is, while adversity can indeed be a powerful motivator, it's not a prerequisite for success.

There are just as many examples across the world of business, sport, music, and more of people who didn’t go through anywhere near these aforementioned childhood difficulties yet still achieved at a huge level.

What's indispensable, however, is an unwavering drive.

Simply, a fire in the belly that pushes you to see things through, come what may.

But for those of us fortunate enough to have had a stable, loving, and even comfortable upbringing, where does this drive come from?

Well, I’ve been thinking on this and I think the answer might be simpler than we think: Forge an identity you're proud of.

It's as straightforward, and as challenging, as that.

What makes you proud is deeply personal.

It could be sticking to a commitment, over-delivering on a project, or simply doing something challenging that resonates with your core values.

It's about playing your own game, setting your own benchmarks, and not getting sidetracked by someone else's highlight reel.

Sure, the tales of titans like Musk, Jobs, and Bezos are awe-inspiring. But they can also be a distraction.

They're living their lives, driven by their unique motivations, circumstances, and personality makeup.

Our task? To carve out our own path, fueled by what makes us proud.

Basically, it's not about emulating someone else's journey, but about crafting our own narrative.

One where we're the heroes, doing our best, and making ourselves proud every single day.

What are you doing today to make that person in the mirror proud?

Have a think and while you are let’s learn why those Oreos keep disappearing when Netflix is on.

The Four Eating Styles

If you’ve been reading this you’ll know I recently dived into trying out Noom, a behavioural pyschology based program aimed at helping you create healthy and sustainable eating habits.

One of the standout insights from my recent lessons has been around the four distinct eating styles they've identified: Fuel, Fun, Fog, and Storm. Let's break them down:

Fuel Eating: This is when we eat purely for sustenance.

Think of it as filling up your car's tank. Something we have to do. However, the term 'fuel' can sometimes conjure up images of bland, uninspiring meals. But fuel can be both nutritious and delicious. Remember it’s about finding that healthy taste range of 7-9 out of 10 I mentioned in #022.

Fun Eating: This is the joy of indulging in your favourite treats.

It's the ice cream pick-me-up in the middle of the week or that slice of birthday cake from Carol from work. Fun eating isn't inherently bad. It's all about balance, portion control, and being mindful of calorie density. Grapes over raisins kinda mentality.

Fog Eating: This is mindless munching.

It's when you're eating not because you're hungry or because the food is particularly enjoyable, but just ‘cause it's there. Like when you're watching that new Netflix show and suddenly season 3 just started and Oreo Box number 2 just disappeared and neither was planned.

Storm Eating: This is emotional eating.

It's when we use food as a coping mechanism, be it for stress, sadness, or even boredom. It's the tub of ice cream after a breakup or the chocolate bar after a tough day at work.

The key takeaway? Awareness.

Recognizing our default eating style is the first step towards making healthier choices.

While Fog and Storm eating can often lead us astray, Fun eating, when approached mindfully, can be part of a balanced diet.

And Fuel eating, contrary to popular belief, doesn't have to be boring.

The goal is to find that sweet spot - where fuel meets fun, creating meals that are both nourishing and tasty.

What I’m learning is that it's not about labelling one style as 'good' and another as 'bad'.

It's about understanding our tendencies, and then making informed choices that align with our goals of the moment.

From there, the next best thing to do is try to systemize around these choices.

For example, here are some I’ve adopted (though I’m working on moving the times to be earlier).

• No eating until 12pm.

• Greens eaten as first meal.

• No junk food in the house at all.

• Eating (and drinking) stops at 8pm.

• One cheat meal on Friday for dinner.

So have a think, where do you find yourself going most of the time food wise?

Get aware and get more goal-orientated. Try one small tweak at a time.

Now let’s wrap with some language patterns that once you see them, you’ll start seeing everywhere.

The Language of Connection

Language, often a window into our emotions and relationships, can subtly reveal the dynamics of our connections.

The words we select, the pronouns we lean on, and the specificity or ambiguity of our references can shed light on how close or distant we feel to someone.

Pronoun Choices - "You" vs. "We": Therapists, especially those working with couples, often tune into the pronouns being used.

When a couple predominantly uses "we," it suggests a collective identity and unity. It's an indication of seeing challenges and joys as shared experiences.

Conversely, an emphasis on "you" can sometimes signal blame or a feeling of separation.

For instance, "You always forget the groceries," versus "We need to remember the groceries."

Ownership and Blame: This is where the "your son" versus "our son" distinction comes into play.

In moments of pride or joy, "our son" indicates shared responsibility and joy.

However, in moments of trouble or blame, shifting to "your son" can be a way of distancing oneself from the issue at hand.

Similarly, saying "our marriage needs work" implies a joint responsibility and commitment to mending things.

While "the marriage needs work" can subtly shift the responsibility, making it seem like an external problem rather than a shared one.

Shared References: A close bond often comes with an unspoken understanding.

For two individuals with shared memories, a simple "Remember that place?" might suffice.

But when there's a gap, either emotional or due to time, more specificity might be needed: "Remember that Italian restaurant we went to on 5th Street last summer?"

Ambiguity vs. Specificity: In close relationships, there's often a mutual understanding that reduces the need for specificity.

"Put it there" might be clear to both parties.

But when there's a lack of shared context or a communication breakdown, you might hear, "Put it by the gate."

Shared Future References: How couples discuss the future can also be revealing.

"Our plans for the summer" suggests a shared vision, while "What are you doing this summer?" might hint at individual trajectories.

Language nuances can be so telling, offering hints about the closeness or gaps in our relationships that we hadn’t even noticed.

However, it's crucial to remember that language is just one facet.

So while it’s important to note what those in our life are saying, it’s more important to see what they actually do. Talk is one thing. Action is another.

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That’s a wrap for this week. Thank you so much for reading and all your feedback. So appreciated.

If you wanna help in any small way, as always it’s so easy: Just share this email a buddy’s way.

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I’m gonna go and practice using more ‘we’ and ‘our’ in my speech.

See you next week.

Always Forward,
Utkarsh