[UP 026] - How to ask questions that get people on your side of the table

Welcome back to UP. Edition #026

(Halfway through the goal of an email every week for a year)

Hope all is well. A little later than planned so I threw in some extra memes to make up for it.

Here's what we're unpacking this time:

🎬 Disney's Three-Room Magic: Walt Disney's unique approach to brainstorming and how compartmentalizing our thinking can lead to groundbreaking ideas.

🍽 The Social Dynamics of Dining: How our company at the dinner table - be it friends, strangers, or just ourselves - can influence our caloric intake. Plus, some strategies to navigate these social eating situations.

❓ 'How' vs 'Why': Delving into the subtle art of questioning. Discover why shifting from "why" to "how" can transform our interactions and lead to more constructive outcomes.

Ready to dive in?

Disney’s Three-Room Magic

In our hyper-connected world, doing ‘nothing’ is seen to be a sign of falling behind.

But what if I told you that some of the world's most groundbreaking ideas were born not in the hustle and bustle, but in moments of straight-up leisure.

Consider these marvels that shape our world now, all birthed from ‘wasteful’ moments:

• Velcro: George de Mestral's hike led him to notice burrs clinging to clothes, sparking the idea for Velcro.

• Harry Potter Series: J.K. Rowling came up with the idea for the boy wizard during a delayed train journey from Manchester to London.

• Instagram's Filters: Founder Kevin Systrom came up with the idea during a relaxed vacation in Mexico.

• Theory of Relativity: Albert Einstein developed foundational ideas while daydreaming at the Swiss Patent Office.

Why does this matter?

Because our brains, much like a well-oiled machine, need downtime to process, connect the dots, and give birth to new ideas.

It's in these idle moments that our minds wander, exploring uncharted territories and forming connections we might never have considered in a more structured setting.

But here's the thing: while idleness can be the birthplace of brilliant ideas, what we do with these ideas is equally crucial.

Too often, we either rush to execute them prematurely, or, paralyzed by self-doubt, we shelve them indefinitely.

We become our own harshest critics before an idea even has the chance to take its first breath.

But there may be a simple and elegant way to prevent ourselves from mismanaging our creativity.

Enter Walt Disney.

He had a unique method of ideation and refinement, dividing the process into three stages: The Dreamer, The Realist, and The Spoiler.

The Dreamer was all about unbridled imagination. No boundaries, just pure, raw ideas. It was the realm of "Why not?"

The Realist would then take over, molding these dreams into something tangible, focusing on the "How can this be done?"

Finally, The Critic would step in, critically examining the idea, poking holes, and identifying weak spots, asking “Can this be better?”

We probably have done this sort of process during our work and times where structure is called upon.

But this is where Disney took this process a step further.

He used separate rooms for each stage, ensuring that the energy of one didn't seep into the other.

So imagine;

• Bedroom - Dreamer

• Living room - Realist

• Kitchen - Critic

The sheer act of moving between these spaces can help our brains shift gears, allowing each stage its due importance.

The lesson here?

Don't let your inner critic stifle your dreamer.

There's a time and place for critique, but it shouldn't be at the inception of an idea.

Give your thoughts the room to wander, to explore, and to grow. And when they're robust enough, then, and only then, invite the critic in for a chat.

And in our quest for our next breakthrough, let's not forget the power of pausing.

Sometimes, all we need are those moments of nothingness to see the world in a whole new light.

Now, shifting gears, since we’re in the kitchen, let’s get a plate and invite some friends. Or should we?

The Social Dynamics of Dining

It's fascinating how our eating behaviors can be influenced by the company we keep.

Several studies have looked into the dynamics of eating alone versus eating with others, and the results show us some interesting patterns. Let’s take a look:

Eating Alone: Research indicates that people often consume fewer calories when eating alone.

The absence of social interaction can lead to heightened self-awareness about the quantity and type of food consumed.

However, (there’s always a however) for some, eating alone can also lead to feelings of loneliness, which might trigger emotional eating in certain situations.

Eating with Strangers: When dining with strangers or acquaintances, people tend to eat more conservatively.

This phenomenon, often termed "impression management," stems from our desire to project a favorable image.

We might skip dessert or opt for a salad over a burger to appear health-conscious. Even though we know we really wanted that Tuesday special.

Eating with Friends: Dining with close friends or family often leads to increased caloric intake.

Yes, that’s right. The comfort and familiarity can lead to us extending our meal durations, multiple courses, and indulging guilt-free. Out comes the Tuesday special!

So the shared experience of "letting loose" and enjoying food can contribute to overeating.

So how do we break the Social Default?

How can we navigate social eating situations without compromising our dietary goals? Well here are some simple strategies:

Mindful Eating: Regardless of the company, practice a little mindfulness.

Savor each bite and chew slowly (I know it’s hard when the food is that damn good).

This will allow you to better be able to listen to your body's hunger and fullness cues.

Set Intentions: Before a social gathering, set clear intentions about your food choices.

Decide in advance the type of foods you'll opt for and the ones you'll avoid. Just this simple act can set you up for success.

Key is to stick to it. Don’t be falling for that peer pressure when everyone orders dessert.

Serve Yourself: If possible, serve your own plate.

This gives you control over portion sizes and the types of food you consume.

Engage in Conversation: Make the meal more about the conversation and less about the food.

A contradiction to the mindful eating in a way but still getting the same result.

By engaging in meaningful discussions you can slow down the eating pace and reduce the amount consumed.

Big hack, eye contact.

Some bonuses:

Opt for Smaller Plates: Smaller plates can give the illusion of plenty, helping you consume less while still feeling satisfied. Super simple.

Limit Alcohol: Alcohol can lower inhibitions and lead to increased food consumption.

If you choose to drink, do so in moderation and be aware of its effects on your appetite. Again, have clear intentions beforehand.

Plan Non-Food Activities: Instead of always meeting friends for meals, suggest activities that don't revolve around food, like walks, hikes, or visiting a museum. My favourite. Burns calories, doesn’t add them.

In summary, while social dynamics can and often do influence our eating behaviors, awareness and intentionality can help us navigate these situations so we don’t get derailed.

By understanding the impact of our social environment and implementing strategies to manage it, we can enjoy the company of others without compromising our dietary goals. Exactly what we want.

Speaking of which, let’s see how we can get what a little more of what we want, when we get news we weren’t looking for.

How Vs Why

So imagine you've just been passed over for a role.

The sting of disappointment is fresh, and you're grappling with a whirlwind of emotions. Who do I punch vs Why do they hate me

Your immediate (rational) instinct might be to confront the manager and ask, "Why didn't I get the role?"

While this is a valid question, it's also one that puts the other person on the defensive.

Why? Well, it's kinda accusatory.

It implies that a mistake was made or an injustice occurred. Not exactly an inviting approach to dialogue.

But now let’s consider rephrasing that question: "How can I demonstrate that I'm ready for the opportunity next time?"

Ahh ok, better. This question shifts the dynamic.

Why? Because it's forward-looking, constructive, and invites collaboration.

Instead of challenging the decision, you're seeking feedback and expressing a desire to grow.

(I’m not promising they’ll give you a great answer, but it’ll sure be more useful than their response to the “why” question)

When it comes to communication, the distinction between "how" and "why" questions can be the difference between building bridges or erecting walls.

This principle isn't just applicable in the professional world. In our personal relationships, the same rules apply.

Let’s imagine again. Your partner’s just forgotten an important date for you both.

Instead of asking, "Why did you forget?", which might come off as an attack, you could ask, "How can we ensure we remember important dates in the future?"

This approach not only avoids blame but also works towards a solution.

"Why" questions, while sometimes necessary for understanding root causes, often delve into the past and can make individuals feel they need to justify or defend themselves.

They're backward-looking and can inadvertently create a divide.

On the other hand, "how" questions are inherently solution-oriented.

They focus on the future, on possibilities, and on collaborative problem-solving.

They empower the individual, encouraging introspection and proactive thinking.

To remember the difference, in simple terms

"how" questions align.
"why" questions alienate.

In our interactions, whether they be professional or personal, it's essential to be conscious of the impact of our words.

By choosing to ask "how" instead of "why", we're not just seeking answers; we're fostering understanding, collaboration, and growth.

So, the next time you're faced with a challenge or a setback, resist the urge to ask why it happened. No one wants to dig into the past.

Instead, focus on how you can make it better moving forward. Everyone wants that.

***

That’s a wrap for this week.

Thanks for riding along with me to no.26.

You will forever be an OG, Year 1 subscriber. Big love and appreciation for your attention.

If you’re feeling a little warmth in your heart I’d love it if you’d forward this email a buddy’s way.

And if you’re that buddy, welcome to the party! Make sure to subscribe here.

I’m gonna go and rearrange my kitchen for optimal critiquing sessions.

See you next week.

Always Forward,
Utkarsh